If you’ve never been betrayed by a friend, consider yourself lucky.

A betrayal, in many respects, is one of the more egregious things a person can do because it typically comes from someone to whom you’ve opened yourself up in a multitude of ways.

And in fact, misdirected vulnerability is one condition which lays the groundwork for betrayal.

An example situation could be when you’ve let your guard down with a particular person – and obviously, the wrong person.  And when you least expect it they lie to you, discard you, or say unnecessarily hurtful things, leaving you totally confused and wondering why.

And because you trusted this individual, your defenses were down and your “armor” was left at home.

But this isn’t always the worst of it.

It’s in the weeks and months following a situation like this that your mettle is often further tested.  Your mind and heart may filter through all the reasons why this even happened.  At the same time, you may even start to think that you’re the one who’s at fault.

Questions may come to mind such as:

• “What could’ve I done to stop it?”
• “Why didn’t I see the signs from this person early on?”
• “Did I do something to cause this?

From my experience, proceeding down this line of inquiry doesn’t make the situation any better.  And in fact, it’s part of a larger series of mistakes people often make once they’ve been betrayed.  Let’s cover these mistakes now, and consider some different ways to think about the concept of betrayal.

Mistake #1: Thinking that it’s their fault

Inherent to its definition, if a betrayal is truly just that (a betrayal), it means it isn’t your fault.

The decisions the betrayer made were theirs, not yours.  However, if you’re of a trusting nature, you likely think you played some role in the situation.

Now, let me tell you – there’s nothing wrong with being trusting.  In a perfect world we should be able to trust all people.

But unfortunately, a betrayal means that someone took advantage of your kindheartedness, broke your trust, and acted upon their self-interest alone.  And as you and I both know (and as many soon find out living life), you can’t trust everyone.

The prime advantage of correcting this mistake is that it helps to differentiate the betrayer’s actions from yours, which is a benefit from a self-awareness perspective.  It also helps to take unnecessary guilt out of the mix.

Mistake #2:  Trying to fix that which is beyond repair

I don’t know about you, but when someone has showed me a hint of disloyalty I immediately begin to think about them as a person who is no longer worth my time.  Reason being, disloyalty is of a more of a deep-seated nature than other things.

Perhaps I act too fast in this regard.

But in my mind, disloyalty is a character flaw on a fundamental level.  Consequently, it’s something that will probably take a lot of work to fix.

Many people aren’t willing to do that type of work.

And that’s all the more true for those who haven’t expressed any sense of regret about the whole ordeal.  But overall, it’s important to ask yourself whether it’s worth your time to help them do the work.

I don’t know about you, but my time is valuable and I have better places to be.

That’s not to say that disloyal people can’t change.  But you needn’t feel that it’s your responsibility to try and fix them.

Mistake #3: Not attempting to make new friends

There are basically two types of mindsets which foster this mistake.

One is when people don’t make the effort to establish new relationships because, once they’ve been burned they become jaded.  They see everyone as someone who might betray.

And that’s an inaccurate view.

There are a lot of great, loyal people in the world who are truly caring, and worth your time.

The other type of perspective which influences this mindset is when people think the person who did the betraying will someday “come around.”  And of course, some people do.  And there’s nothing wrong with hoping that they do.

But it doesn’t mean that you need to wait around for it to happen.  Chances are, people who are apt to betray need to do some major self-reflection and go through some growth – whether temporal or spiritual.

That’s on them.

And it’s not something you should have to wait around for, and there’s nothing wrong with making new friends.  A true friend (new or otherwise) can be a great source of comfort and counsel – two of the most important things in life.

Mistake #4: Lingering near the “scene” of past events

When stuff goes south, I’ve always been a proponent of the “get out of Dodge” mentality.

What this means is, if it’s clear that no positive action can be taken in a particular situation, and you have the means and wherewithal to take some time away to relax and reflect, you might discover some positive benefits.

This could entail taking some approved PTO, going on vacation, or even visiting and staying with a family member for awhile who loves you.

Lot of opportunity here in that this can help renew your perspective, allowing you to see the entire situation in a better, more constructive light.

Mistake #5: Failing to recognize the value they bring

You are valuable.

You are worthy.

There is hope for tomorrow.

These are truths that cannot be denied.

But some of us have a tendency to miss the forest for the trees, and over generalize.  We think that since it didn’t work out with one person, one friend, one lover, it won’t work out with anyone.

If you’re the type of person who values self-improvement (and you likely are since you’re reading this blog) that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Along those lines, one option here would be to consider this situation an opportunity to improve yourself.

We can all work on getting better.

And to be fair, perhaps the other person had certain expectations that weren’t being met.  If what happened was indeed a true betrayal, then more likely than not theses expectations were unreasonable.

And if, on the other hand, some of the fault does lie with you for whatever reason, you’ve been given a chance to see where and whether you did wrong (if you even did), and recommit yourself to doing better in the next friendship, relationship, etc.

All that to say, your value is innate.  And it certainly does not decrease because one person did you wrong, or you made a mistake.  Their actions have nothing to do with your value as a person.

Mistake #6: Refusing to forgive

A lot of people get confused about forgiveness.  They think they should withhold it because the person in question doesn’t deserve it.

And that may be true – perhaps they don’t.

But the thing is, forgiveness doesn’t have to be for them.

It can also be for you.

In fact, it may be essential to forgive if you really intend to move on.  Holding on to serious resentment won’t help you long term.  And depending on it’s intensity, it may carry over to your next relationship and lead to undesirable dynamics in the future.

Now, just because you forgive it doesn’t mean you need to forget.  If someone did you wrong, there may be value in remembering that in case you ever feel inclined to reach out to them again.

Avoiding toxic situations has always served me best.

And there’s wisdom in the old adage that a leopard doesn’t change its spots.

What are your thoughts on this post?  Have you ever been betrayed?  If so, I’d love to hear from you.

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The post 6 Common Mistakes People Make After a Betrayal appeared first on Wisdom and Strategy.

We all want to get better.

Some do this through reading, taking courses, or going to seminars.

And these approaches are all great.

The challenge often comes when you want to integrate these learnings into daily life.  When you’re in the trenches or in a highly-competitive set of circumstances, quoting the words of your favorite motivational speaker alone isn’t necessarily all that helpful.

Clearly, for many, there’s a missing piece in the whole learning and application process.

And about four weeks ago, I stumbled upon a true game-changer.

For whatever reason, I recently picked up journaling.

The results have been eye-opening.

Whether writing about problems, daily happenings, relationships, goals, or even daily tasks, the main impact I’ve seen revolves around how clarifying thoughts in this “dojo” or practice arena of sorts can carry over to one’s daily life in a beneficial way.

Conversations I’ve been hesitant to have seem to spontaneously happen while moving in a positive direction.  Results are occurring in a more controlled and optimum manner and in most cases have are more closely aligned with my larger goals.

For those looking to incorporate a simple and cheap method they can use to take their life to the next level, lets cover seven benefits of journaling.

• Journaling allows you to deal with both old and new problems

We all have problems.  Some of them are larger than others, but ultimately, they all need to be addressed if you value living your life with courage and being your most authentic self.  Writing about these problems can help you to wrap your head around them, see what caused them (or what’s perpetuating them), understand how their standing in the way of you achieving your goals, and get some realizations about what you need to do to solve them.

• Journaling provides you an opportunity to prepare for difficult conversations

There are conversations that we all tend to avoid.  Sometimes this is out of fear of what the results might be.  The benefit of journaling here is that you can play out on paper ahead of time how you think they might go.  While journaling you can experiment with your word choices and how you think the other party might react.

In a perfect world, by rehearsing with the dynamic ahead of time this way you’ll be able to come to a win-win type resolution with the other party.  Or, you might even discover that the conversation isn’t all that important to have after all.  With that, you might get into larger thoughts about maybe simply letting the situation go, or even whether the relationship with that person is as valuable as you once thought it was.

• Journaling is a medium through which you can meditate on your goals

One key I’ve learned about pursuing goals (once they’ve been set) is how important it is to keep them top of mind.  We all know that visualization is valuable here, but personally, I’ve found it sometimes hard to stay on track while doing that type of exercise.  I get distracted or lose focus.  That’s where having a writing tool in hand comes into play.

While journaling about your goals you can write out how it will feel once you achieve them, and really design the situation to order while at the same time having the ability to go back through your writing to modify it as best you see fit.

If you make journaling about your goals a regular practice you can also reflect back on what you’ve written previously and modify your present goals to something more appropriate for you as you continue to grow.

• Journaling helps you to lay out constructive plans for goal achievement

In order to achieve a goal, you have to have a plan.  Journaling allows you to play around with your plans on paper and anticipate what will happen prior to actually moving forward with certain steps.  Going back to the “dojo” metaphor, your can think of your journaling time as your practice space where you can give deep consideration to what you think will work, what won’t, and what resources you have at your disposal.

• Journaling is a method  to clarify your thoughts and streamline your actions

Our thinking processes are often chaotic.  Also, by and large, our actions flow from our thoughts.  In many cases we don’t know why we think what we do, and are still stuck in old thought patterns that aren’t helpful for where we currently are or where we want to go.

Journaling allows you to give consideration to all these elements which in turn can help organize your actions in a most productive manner.

• Journaling gives you a designated time and place where you can really get to know yourself

Society tells us that we need to care about what other people are doing.  The media asks us “Oh, did you see what this celebrity did?”  “Did you hear about the latest song or movie?”

Personally, I struggle to find value in this type of focus.  I’m more interested in knowing myself, and understanding the type of legacy I’m going to leave.  In making the time to journal (ideally, first thing in the morning) you can help ensure that the important things in your own life are kept top of mind.

• Journaling cultivates a better understanding of past events and their implications

Through understanding the past that you can get to know the present, and help direct your future.  Journaling about previous situations, decisions, and priorities helps to promote these insights.

So, how do you start?

Since I’m still new to journaling, I’m in learning mode about finding new and better ways to make my time with pen and paper most productive.  What I’ve been doing lately, is simply sitting down and free-writing.  My typical goal for this time (which is usually no more than twenty-minutes) is to fill up one to two pages.

There’s really no particular structure I use beyond that.  I just write about anything that’s on my mind.  An added benefit of doing this is that content and tweet ideas seem to just come to me organically while at the same time tightening up my writing.

If all this sounds appealing to you, get yourself a pen and a notebook (it can even be a cheap college ruled type from the local store), and start using this simple yet profound tool today.

And if you enjoyed this article, sign up for my email newsletter list via this link today.

The post 7 Ways Journaling Can Positively Impact Your Life appeared first on Wisdom and Strategy.

When I was a young man, I considered success to consist of fame, fortune, and other materialistic endeavors.

In reaching a milestone in age this year…

and in reflecting back, it’s amazing how that definition has changed over time.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, flashy things that society and modern media screams at you to strive for would still often be fun to have.

But now, when I define success it has a lot more to do with having a great relationship with my future wife, raising a healthy family, and accomplishing things that help people and contribute to society as a whole.

How do you define success in your life?  Do you have to run a marathon?  Become a millionaire, or a billionaire?  Date a super-model?

I would never seek to put myself in the position to judge your definition of success.  You are free to decide what your life is about, and what makes you feel satisfied.

All that said, a helpful thing in this regard is to consider your deeper motivations.

Why is that important, and what do I mean by that?  Let’s go deeper.

When you choose a goal, it’s critically important to ask and answer the question about why you want that thing, because often times, you might be pursuing a goal that is outdated and not in line with your current values.  There could be a multitude of other, more important things right under your nose that you’re not thinking about, and that could make you feel just as happy with much less work.

An example here might help to provide some context.

Say, for instance, the only thing you’ve ever wanted is to become a billionaire.

Why do you want that?

What is it that drives creates that drive within you?  Do you just want the money to have the money?  Or is it more of an external motivation?  Maybe you want to prove someone wrong, or make someone jealous.  Were you jilted by a former lover, and you want to rub it in their face?   Maybe you have a nobler motivation, and you want to build and develop an organization to help people, and you think that getting that money first is the only way to make that happen.

Let’s isolate and examine those two drives for a minute.

Life is very short.  If your lifelong goal is based on making someone jealous you’re going to be neglecting a lot of things that could make you happy in the present moment.  If someone doesn’t love you, there are millions of other people who will love you, without you having to try so hard.  And even with that, if they don’t love you for you who are, they aren’t really going to love you if you’re a billionaire.

Or let’s look at the motivation of building an organization to help people.  If you wait until you’re wealthy to make this happen, there are a lot of people who you will not be able to help for many years while you’re working to achieve your great wealth.  Often, it could make a lot more sense to simply start helping those people now, learn how non-profits work, and steadily work to build that organization that you want to build from the ground up.

I think the point here is that a lot of the things you want to achieve are available to you in the present moment, and by closely examining your motivations you can take a hybrid approach, and accomplish multiple things at the same time.

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